Moments

So my daughter can be one tough cookie. Something that never ceases to amaze me about her is how she deals with sadness. You see, when she is mad or frustrated or just plain tired she can cry like a champion. She could probably compete if there was such a thing as championship crying. But when she's sad about something, she fights crying with everything in her. Like when she really doesn't want to say goodbye to me or if her feelings have sincerely been hurt. You can see her eyes well up and her mouth turns into a frown. But she'll fight the tears. She'll run away, get silent, or even cover her face with a blanket. But she'll refuse to cry in front of us.

Last night was one of the most gut wrenching moments I think I've ever seen as a mom. I was trying to clean up from dinner and get a couple of other things done. The kids were bickering (as they do) and were bored with anything I could come up with on TV. I came across Follow That Bird just as it was starting. Do you remember that Sesame Street movie from the 80s? Well my kids are not regular Sesame Street watchers anymore, but they still love it on occasion and they'd never seen this movie before. My son got bored after a few minutes and went to go play in his room. My four year old on the other hand sat through the entire movie.

It ended just as I finished the last of the dinner dishes. I came into the room to see Cheyanne standing there with her blanky. I saw that look in her eyes. They were filled to the brim with tears and her face was quickly turning into a frown. "What's wrong peanut?" I asked. "Didn't you like the movie?" She ran up to me and buried her face into my waist, fighting the urge to cry. "Ernie was so sad when Big bird was gone..." her voice trailed off and she buried her face back into me.

I whisked her onto my lap and sat on the couch as she continued to bury her face into my chest. I got her to look up at me and all she could say was "Ernie was so sad without his friend.." I said, "Yes, but what happened at the end?" She started to slowly smile and said, "Big Bird came home and Ernie was happy."

I reminded her it was OK to be sad and it was OK to cry. After a moment she hopped off my lap and went back about her business.

This morning I asked if she wanted to watch Follow That Bird again. She said no. I asked why not. She simply said, "I don't want to talk about it" and walked out of the room.

Catching Butterflies and Lessons in Love

Yesterday my little girl went butterfly catching. She went with a neighbor, her son and of course my son. They went around the corner to the park where there has been a ton of butterflies due to migrating habits lately.

When they returned my daughter was so proud that she had caught one. There was this precious little butterfly in a little butterfly habitat with a few leaves and some flowers. She proudly showed it to everyone she could and we placed it on top of the bookshelf to keep it out of Blossom the cat's grasp.

I asked her if we were going to let it go, and she looked at me with her big blue eyes and said "NO Mommy! She's my butterfly." I figured we'd deal with it in a few days and let it go. This morning the first thing she did was take down the butterfly habitat and laid down on the floor next to it. She quietly whispered to the butterfly, "Hey girl, how was your night?" Needless to say, my daughter was attached.

Later in the day as I tried to round up my daughter for lunch, she refused to answer me. Which is not too out of the ordinary for my little Diva, so I went in search of her. I found her sitting quietly behind the couch downstairs beside our sliding glass door looking out into the backyard. Before I could tell her to come upstairs for lunch I saw the very crushed look she had on her face. AND the empty butterfly habitat beside her.

I asked her what happened and where her butterfly was. With big tears streaming down she pointed outside where I saw the leaves and flowers on the back patio. "I let her go home, and now I miss her!" She said as she ran to me and burst into a hyper cry.

While part of me broke inside seeing her so sad, a bigger part of me swelled with love and pride. My daughter had just learned a life lesson that I could never explain or teach her. When you love something, set it free.

I ached for her, but told her how happy the butterfly was and how happy the butterfly's family was going to be to see her back home. Then we ate lunch, where she got a couple cookies for being so sweet to her butterfly.

4 years old and already she understands something about love that some adults never understand.

I love being a mom.

My Peanut Butter

(Originally written) Sunday, March 25, 2007

Do you know that song, She's Got A Way by Billy Joel? Ever since I was a little girl I have loved this song. I would daydream that someday I would meet a man and he would feel this away about me. But ever since the day Allen and I decided to start a family, this song completley became about something, or someone totally different. This song isn't a traditional love song to me anymore. It never will be. Because for me, whenever I hear this song, I think of Cheyanne's first night home from the hospital. Well her first night home from the hospital, and every day since then. Right up until a little while ago when I kissed her goodnight. And she smiled and said "Love you mommy". My little peanut butter. My little Cheyanne. My princess.
I think the biggest difference in being mother to a daughter, is that it makes you truly strive to be a better woman. Respecting myself, treating myself with dignity, being proud of myself inside and out, and taking pride in everything that is being a woman is so much more important. Not just because I deserve to, but because she deserves to. Every heartbreak, every mistake, every friend that screws her over, every test she fails, every guy that never calls, or even every guy that won't stop calling, school, marriage, motherhood, the way she deals with all of it, well is going to be based on how I show her how to deal with it. The woman she becomes tomorrow is going to be a direct result of the woman I am today. I'm not sure why it is exactly, but a woman has much more to answer to when raising a daughter. Maybe because men have a tendency to not deal with childhood issues too much, but man, a pissed off daughter will tell you exactly where you failed as a mom. If that realization doesn't get me to ease up on my own drama queen tendencies, I don't know what will. Anyway, happy 2nd birthday to my peanut butter (don't ask, it's her given nickname...) on Wednesday.
"She's got a light around her, And everywhere she goes a million dreams of love surround her, Everywhere" -Billy Joel