Saturday, January 19, 2008

Reflections On My Baby's 4th Birthday

Originally written on Tuesday, March 20, 2007

So here I go with my first "blog".
On Thursday my little boy turns 4. I guess I am just so filled with emotion that I figured it would be a good time to reflect on my little man. Some of you may or may not know how hard we tried to have a baby. After a number of miscarriages, in the deepest part of my soul the seed of fear had been planted that we may never be able to have children. So when we got pregnant with Patrick we just couldn't find it in ourselves to be happy. We were scared to death, that the moment we let ourselves be happy, we would lose him. Then we got through the first part of our pregnancy, and eagerly awaited results from all of our pre-natal testing to know for sure this pregnancy was going to be ok. I'll never forget the day I got that phone call. I can still hear her voice on the phone, instead of telling me everything was ok, she simply said, "it's when I get to make calls like this, that makes my job worth while". I held back my tears and asked her if she meant everything was ok. and she said "yes...HE'S fine.' My whole world changed with those exact words. "HE"S fine". HE. HE, meaning my beautiful boy. My son. My dream, finally come true. Our dream.
I'll skip ahead a few months to March 22, 2003. Giving birth was one of the most absolutley spiritual things I ever was a part of. 30 hours of labor with no epidural. I don't think anything in my life will ever be as empowering as that. Nothing even comes close.
I am listening to In your Eyes right now. (It's the song on my profile right now). The reason is because this song is exactly how I felt the first moment I looked into the blue eyes of my son. And how I felt in those very scary & intimidating first 2 weeks of motherhood. But as scary as those first 2 weeks were, it was amazing because everytime I looked into that boys' eyes, I knew that my entire life had been leading to that moment. I knew that I wasn't going to need to "learn" how to be a mother, because deep inside I already knew how. I already knew how to love him, how to care for him, and how to raise him to be the man I know he will someday be. I knew all that then, and know it still today, because everytime he looks up at me, with those eyes twinkling, his soul is telling mine, that he loves me, and trusts me to guide him where he needs to go.
Now he is about to turn 4, and I truly see glimpses of the man he's going to become. He's smart, funny, kind, compassionate, loving, and loyal. He is us, Allen and I. The best of both of us. He is what we waited for, hoped for, and dreamed of. He has made us love each other even more than we ever thought possible. Patrick truly came from love, and brought so more love into our life then we ever dreamed existed.
Thanks for reading.

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